There Will Always Be Milestones and Markers

 

 

Our lives are full of milestones and markers.  Birthdays, anniversaries, graduations and weddings are milestones that easily come to mind.  Days that recall a death, a divorce or a diagnosis are difficult markers. When you add up all of your personal milestones and markers then add those of family and friends to the list, plus annual holidays celebrated, nearly the entire year is filled with memorable dates.  The realization of the constancy of calendar reminders can overwhelmingly encroach upon your resiliency. 

 

There is no easy way to overcome the many milestones and markers that you experienced with a person you loved who is no longer physically with you.  At first, the days you once celebrated are dreaded occasions that you will not have the joy of experiencing together.  It is natural to feel grief at these times for the loss of your loved one.  I have found that since there is no way around these emotions, to just accept the sadness I feel and live in that space. For instance, your wedding anniversary missing your beloved may be excruciatingly painful.  I liken these times to those brutally, stormy days that are followed by days of calmness. Sometimes it feels right to be quiet and not engage in conversation when milestones and markers come up.  Other times you may feel more comfort conversing with a close friend about your feelings.  There is no one right way to get through these challenging days. Most importantly, you must take care of yourself which means acknowledging how you feel and lovingly validate your absolute right to feel the way you do. Never, ever listen to anyone who puts a time limit or other constraints on your right to grieve!

 

Accepting that loss is a part of life does not make the milestone and marker days easier but when you are ready, embracing some new strategies may help you get through those daunting days. One strategy is to adopt the mindset that the day is just another day.  This is easier to do with holidays like Valentine’s Day but not as easy to do on the birthday of your loved one.  On those more “personal” days you may wish to do something that celebrates a loved one like a special post on social media or something they enjoyed like going to the beach. Each year since my son has passed I use red balloons to commemorate his birthday because Danny loved red balloons. Some people find looking through pictures or telling stories about their beloved’s life are helpful. Again, whatever feels comfortable for you is the right thing to do under these circumstances. 

 

Building your own resiliency will mean that you selectively surround yourself with people who are not trying to fix your feelings.  Supportive family and friends will help you navigate the milestones and markers through compassionate listening or subtly letting you know that they are thinking of you.  Even though there are circumstances when texting is not the best way to communicate, on milestone and marker days a caring text is noninvasive and a great comfort.  I do not think we ever forget milestones and markers we shared with the cherished people in our lives.  We can choose though to look at milestone and marker days as amazing gifts we shared with people who blessed our lives and in doing so move forward strengthened by those experiences.