Simply Saying Is Not Always Simple For Many

I have written many times about reciprocity in relationships, and experience continues to change what I understand about this. More and more, I wonder whether consideration occurs to people in ordinary moments. Do they recognize when a choice affects someone close to them? And if they do, why is it sometimes so difficult to say so?

A friend might make plans to enjoy an experience the two of you discussed sharing. They are certainly free to make other plans: that is understandable if something else needs to override. Yet “I wish we could have done this together” would acknowledge the part of it that belongs to your friendship. Without that acknowledgment, the disappointment can feel strangely one-sided, as though the shared hope existed only for you.

Or someone might promise to help a friend, then back out. Again, plans change, and sometimes people cannot do what they intended. But a promise may have shaped the friend’s plans, relieved a worry, or given them reason to trust that they would not have to manage something alone. “I’m sorry I let you down” recognizes more than a change of schedule. It recognizes the burden that has been handed back.

Reciprocity is not a tally of favors or a demand to feel everything equally. It is the practice of letting another person know that their experience registers with us. Sometimes that calls for changed behavior. Sometimes it begins with a sentence simple enough to say, yet meaningful enough to make a friend feel seen. The resilient person can recover from disappointment when it is acknowledged that their feelings matter. The reciprocally aware resilient person realizes that valuing another’s experience in a situation does not diminish their own.

Linda Joy Walder